


Bite my tongue and hold my breath, hope this doesn't end in death

by charons_boat



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Basketball, Broken Jaw, M/M, Nosebleeds, Vampire Suicide, Vampire!Myungjun, Vampires, blood will, human!eunwoo, human!jinjin, human!sanha, vampire!moonbin, vampire!rocky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24760345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charons_boat/pseuds/charons_boat
Summary: Myungjun has always had trouble controlling himself. He's never had friends, and he does everything he can to protect Sanha.
Relationships: Kim Myungjun | MJ & Yoon Sanha, Moon Bin/Park Minhyuk | Rocky, Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin & Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo, Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin & Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo & Yoon Sanha
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7
Collections: monsterdayz





	1. Chapter 1

Eternity is the loneliest thing you can ever endure. It's lucky that most of humanity doesn't have to _spend_ decades and centuries and _millenia_ alone. I am not lucky. I happen to be one of the most unlucky creatures to have ever existed, because despite being one of the oldest vampires left in the world, I am still alone.

I don't have the control needed to turn a human, and I rarely have the control to stop myself from feeding on any I come across that happen to be bleeding--instinct, or maybe just mine at the very least, cares little for the time between feedings and cares more for the fact that a meal awaits. I often compare myself to a starving man left in front of a feast: I will eat and eat and eat until everything is gone, no matter how full I am or how long it's been since I took the last bite.

No vampire will come near me (they've all told me that I'm too wild for their life.) and no vampire will turn someone for me (who would want someone else's fledging bothering them until the turning bond breaks?), and so I live alone in an expensive apartment, feeding too often and waiting eagerly for the day that someone will take pity on me and send either a cruel hunter or a kind vampire my way.


	2. Chapter 2

The first time I meet Sanha, he is walking home from school. His hair is dark black, shiny in the sun and silky when the wind tousles it. I wonder for a moment if he ever dyes it or straightens it; from what I can see, it doesn't seem like he does because it looks too natural and healthy. He looks young and innocent, and is probably painfully naive, so I'm glad that he's not hurt. 

No, instead he walks closer and closer to the apartment building I live in, and I watch him. His gaze is firmly on the ground, and he huddles up on himself while he walks. I ponder, for a moment, whether he's shy or scared. 

Unfortunately, his staring at the ground is what causes our first meeting. Someone pushes through the crowd behind him, far too aggressively and urgently for anyone in this part of the city. When the boy falls, he scrapes his hands but doesn't draw blood; it is for this reason that I'm able to lean over from my place against the wall and help him to his feet. I dust him off quickly and hand him his books, and he stutters out a thank you. 

"You're welcome," I tell him, laughing softly. He just stares, and I ruffle up the black half-curls that have appeared in my hair because of the humidity earlier in the day. "My name is Kim Myungjun. Do you have one?"

"Huh?" I turn my face away from him, unable to contain my amused grin. 

"Do you have a name," I ask once again after the smile is gone. He blushes and nods, and after a moment of silence, he gasps. 

"Right! Yes. It's Yoon Sanha. I, uhm- thank you for helping me up. I- I already said that, but thank you again." I smile and nod. 

"Of course. Where were you headed? Perhaps I could accompany you and make sure no one else pushes you down." Sanha blushes again, and I giggle softly behind my hand. 

"Ah, I was just walking home from school. I haven't seen you around, though, despite walking this way every day. Are you new," he asks. When he begins walking again, albeit slowly, I follow with my hands in the pockets of my blazer. I shake my head, and he makes a cute little confused noise. 

"I've lived here a while," I tell him. A while is a gross understatement considering I've lived in this building for almost as long as it's been open for rental: the building is probably older than Sanha. "I don't come outside during the day very often, because I work at night and sleep through most days. Today was supposed to be nice, though, and I don't have any work tonight, so I figured I might as well stay up and see this day through." It's cloudy out, and the sun hasn't been around in a solid thirty minutes. It's not supposed to come back out for another thirty minutes, but I still put on the special sunscreen that only the "oldest and most privileged vampires" are able to purchase. It might give me another hour, but my skin has always been sensitive to the sun. 

"Oh. Do you like your job," he asks. I have to think for a moment, and end up deciding that no, I don't particularly like practically mauling already-injured humans and coming back to a painfully empty apartment. 

"Not really, no," I whisper. He sighs and nods. 

"Night jobs do seem like they'd suck a lot. I'm afraid I'll end up with a boring job as well," he mutters. There are no rocks to kick, but that doesn't stop him from scuffing the toe of his shoe against the concrete. He looks up suddenly and glances at me. "I'm eighteen. I knew there was something I was forgetting. How old are you?" The simple question brings back the millenia I've lived, and I have to blink hard to make the years go away. 

"I'm much older than I look, Sanha."

"You don't look a day over like, twenty-two," he scoffs. I smile and shake my head, silently laughing at the poor estimate. 

"I'm about 183 days over twenty-six, actually." For a moment I think his eyes are going to cross as he tries to figure out how many months that is. Of course, if I gave him in days the two-thousand and some-odd years I've been 183 days over twenty-six, the math would be much harder and he'd probably pass out. 

"Well, you certainly don't look like you're twenty-six," he says when he gives up on the math. He stops and looks to the right, and then he turns to face me. "Thank you for walking me home and protecting me from more crazy people in the crowd. This is my house, so…" I nod and watch him walk into the house. He turns in the doorway and waves, and I give him my biggest smile and wave back. When the door shuts, my hand and smile both drop immediately. 

I stand there for a moment and just breathe. I wonder if the man from earlier is up for a little pushing around himself; probably not, but that just makes it more fun.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of drinking

I don't see him for what feels like the longest time, though I think the entire that maybe that's just my own skewed sense of time making it seem like longer than it really is. I am proven wrong the second time I happen across him.

I go to clubs to find people to feed on most times. I rarely have enough control to keep to my feeding schedule, but this time I'd managed it. I walk around and stare into the crowd, finding no one interesting among it. When I turn to those standing along the wall, I spot a soft face under a blue-black fringe, and I can't help but walk towards the faintly familiar visage. I recognize Sanha and smile widely--the smile falters when the scent of his blood hits me. He's not injured in any way I can see, and I wonder if he's just become one of those people with strongly scented blood.

His eyes are glazed over as he smiles down at me: he's grown taller, maybe, or perhaps my memory is simply beginning to fail me.

" 's been a while, Myungjun," he slurs. He staggers forward and wraps me up in a loose, vaguely possessive hug.

"Y-yeah. How, uhm, how old are you now? I didn't expect to see you here," I tell him. He giggles and leans back against the wall, keeping his hands on my hips.

"Three years isn't very hard math," he pouts at me. I nod quickly and force a smile. I wonder who got him so drunk.

"Time doesn't feel very real to me. I have a hard time keeping track of it. You've grown up well," I tell him. I can feel a faint blush on my cheeks, and I'm reminded that I came here to feed. The thought sends a pang of hunger to my stomach, and the smell of Sanha's blood suddenly seems to be almost overwhelming. I gently pull his hands from my hips and brace myself against the wall next to him. He keeps a tight grip on my right hand, and I can feel his heartbeat even as I press my face into my arm to try and remind myself that I can't bite _this_ human. He's the closest thing I've had to a friend in a while.

" 're you 'kay, Junnie," he suddenly asks, his breath warm against my ear and cheek. I swallow the saliva welling up in my mouth and nod.

"Yeah, just- you should go home, Sanha," I breathe out, struggling to push away the terrible instincts telling me to sink my teeth into him and feed. I clench my fist as he whines into my ear.

"Walk me home, pleeeease?" I press my lips together and ignore the throbbing in my jaw as I clench my jaw. He squeezes my hand and I turn to look at him. He looks like a child asking his mother for cookies or candy. "You still remember right?" I nod and let him pull me away from the wall. He stumbles around the crowd, and I can't stop myself from growling and glaring at anyone that bumps into him. No one notices us walking away. The cool air outside helps to disperse the scent of his blood, and we walk down the streets of the city quietly. I stop him from falling over too many times, and I correct his path when he begins to stray. Of course I still remember where he lives: I've walked by the place often enough at night that I could find my way with my eyes closed.

This time, I have to walk all the way up to his porch. He smiles brightly at me, and I fist my hands in the material of my own shirt when he presses a sloppy kiss to my cheek. I stare at the closed door for so long that the porch light goes out and all the lights are again turned out in his house. There is no joy in my trip to the next club, and I bleed dry the first person I see.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of blood, attacking people, very deep bite wounds, self inflicted wounds, breaking bones, and suicidal thoughts/actions

I wonder, a lot, if Sanha was sent to me by the universe as a punishment for all the lives I've ended. He tells me a lot that I look like I haven't aged a day, and he teases me about the terrible jokes I make. He tells me a lot that he thinks I need more friends because I'm terrible at social interaction, and I never tell him that he's my only friend. His blood is still just as strong and tempting, but I get better at controlling myself everytime I'm around him.

Sanha tells me about his family and friends, and he tells me that he has, indeed, ended up in a terribly boring job as he feared he would. He tells me that he wants to be a singer and dancer, but the schools he wants to go to are too expensive. When I offer to pay for his tuition, he looks at me like I'm crazy and tells me that he'll only accept the offer if I stay his friend for a year and a half. I later learn that the last day of the deal will be the day of his twenty-third birthday. And because he's my only friend, I do my best.

* * *

  
The park is quiet: no one else has arrived yet because I am almost always painfully early. I'm supposed to be playing basketball with Sanha and two of his friends. The sun won't go down for another hour, and I made sure to wear jeans and a long sleeved shirt. There's a thick layer of sunscreen on my skin, and I brought the bottle with me because I know I'll need more. When I hear loud chatter, I stand quickly and fidget with my hands while I wait for Sanha and his friends to arrive. They're farther away than I thought, because I'm standing for a minute and a half before they round a corner. Sanha laughs loudly when he sees me and jogs over.

"It must be hot in these clothes," he tells me. I shrug, and my smile feels shaky as I try not to show how nervous I am. Sanha and the other two are all wearing sleeveless shirts and shorts. He turns around and smiles at his friends. "This is Kim Myungjun. We met a few years ago, while I was still in school, and we've become friends recently. Myungjun, these are my friends Lee Dongmin and Park Jinwoo." I wave nervously, and Sanha's friends just stare. The one with grey hair speaks.

"Sanha, you didn't tell us your new friend was like a millionaire!"

"W- Jinwoo, that's not very polite! And besides, I didn't know. It doesn't matter anyways," Sanha huffs as he crosses his arms.

"What do you mean it doesn't matter," exclaims the one who must be Dongmin. "Myungjun is one of the most influential people in the city!" I scoff and shake my head.

"I'm not, actually. I'm one of the richest, sure, but… you kind of have to have friends and connections to be influential and I don't have that. Just Sanha," I tell them. Sanha looks shocked when he turns to look at me, but I ignore him. "We came to play basketball, right?" They nod dumbly and I pick up the basketball. I'd practiced for a few hours at a gym when Sanha invited me to play, but I could tell I wasn't going to be much help. "I, uhm, I'm not very good at this, so…"

"T-that's okay! You can be on my team, Myungjun. I'm tall enough that I should be able to keep someone as short as Jinwoo from scoring," he says, laughing afterwards at the look on Jinwoo's face.

When the game actually begins, it becomes _very_ clear just how abysmal I am at the new game. No one seems to mind though, and I focus on just doing my best to get the ball from Dongmin and Jinwoo and give it to Sanha. It probably helps that from the one game I watched on my TV, I know none of us are very good. We're just playing for fun.

And then, out of nowhere, the ball bounces awkwardly off the ground and hits Sanha in the face. He falls to the ground and just sits there, dazed, for a few seconds. His nose begins to bleed and I screw my eyes shut against the sight and cover my nose. It's too late though, because the smell of his blood has already made its way into my nose. Jinwoo and Dongmin rush over to him and help him to his feet, sitting him down on the bench. I can tell that if I don't bite _something_ , I'm _going_ to bite Sanha. With the last vestiges of control that I've managed to gather over the time I've been Sanha's friend, I yank my sleeve down and sink my teeth into my own arm.

I've never bitten myself before, because there was no point to it. My own blood welled up in my mouth, cold and thick and tasting bitter and sour all at once, like some citrus flavored soap. Sanha's blood smells so much better than my own tastes, and I sit down heavily on the pavement. I pull up my knees and prop my arm against my knees, so it'll be easier to keep biting myself. My mouth is filled with blood, and I swallow only because it's the only thing I can do.

"Myungjun, what the fuck," someone shouts. I keep my eyes shut tightly. There's a hand trying to pull my mouth open, but I shake my head as best I can and back away. "Myungjun, why are you biting yourself?!" So it was Jinwoo that asked. I open my eyes and look towards the bench, where Sanha sits with his head leaning forward over the pavement. He has Jinwoo's white shirt over his face, and I can see that it's stained bright red when he moves it a bit. I look at Jinwoo and he stumbles backward. I dig my teeth deeper and try to keep the tears in my eyes from falling. Sanha turns his head and sees me huddled up on the pavement, and he immediately looks worried. Dongmin glances over and keeps Sanha from standing up.

"Sanha, stay here, okay? Don't- just stay here," Dongmin tells him. When he asks why, the single word is muffled by the bloody shirt.

"Myungjun is a vampire. I think this might be the only way he's going to keep himself from biting you," Jinwoo says quietly. Sanha's eyes widen and he stares at me, and I finally start crying. I swallow again, this time trying to push my emotions down my throat along with my blood.

"He- I didn't know. He's never acted like-" he stares at me, and I wonder if he's remembering that time I found him in the club. "Yes he has." His voice is quiet, almost scared. "Why are you still here if it's so hard for you?" I want to tell him that it's because I want to make sure he's okay, but I don't want to risk letting go and biting him before I can stop myself. And so I just sit on the pavement while my arm continues to bleed into my mouth and around my lips. I wonder if it's spilled outside my lips and down my arm yet. I wonder what I look like to them.

It seems like it takes centuries for Sanha's nose to stop bleeding. Dongmin carefully cleans the dried blood from Sanha's face using the edge of Jinwoo's shirt, and then Jinwoo takes the soiled garment and throws it away. Sanha inches closer to me until he's right in front of me, and I'm relieved to find that the scent of his blood isn't near as strong as it had been. I only take my arm out of my mouth when Sanha gently tugs on my hand. Blood spills from my mouth and I close it quickly to swallow the rest. The bite mark is bright red and far deeper than I expected it to me. My arm is covered in blood and I can feel it dripping from my chin. My pants stick uncomfortably to my legs, and I wish that I'd worn black pants today.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," I mumble. I stare at the wound in my arm and watch it begin to heal.

"Why would you hurt yourself," Sanha asks quietly. He keeps hold of my hand despite the blood that's slowly running down my arm.

"It was the only way I could keep from biting you, Sanha. I barely managed to bite myself in time. I almost bit you," I mutter. Tears well up in my eyes again, and Sanha wipes them away. "I would've hated myself if I bit my only friend." For the briefest moment, I think that it will really be okay and that we'll all make it home safely tonight. I think, for just a moment, that the danger has passed and that we'll all be able to forget this ever happened.

And then Sanha sneezes. He freezes and his grip on my hand tightens, and blood drips from his nose, _one, two, three_ times before my instincts catch up to my senses. For so long, I'd tried to restrain myself around Sanha and leave him unharmed, but the moment he began to bleed again I nearly fell over myself in my haste to _bite him_. Jinwoo and Dongmin try to stop me, but they aren't strong enough. Sanha yelps as I sink my teeth into his neck, and when the sound of him pleading me to stop becomes annoying, I force his mouth shut with my hand.

I hear a crack and he screams, the sound muffled by the way I'm forcing his mouth shut. I force my eyes open and rip my teeth from his neck. When I see him sobbing on the ground, bleeding from too many places, I cover my mouth. Even now, his blood smells wonderful. It had _tasted_ wonderful. Jinwoo rushes over to Sanha and picks him up gently. Dongmin stands up too and grabs their bags, and the three leave as quickly as they can. I force myself to stay on the pavement and try to occupy my thoughts with the memory of his blood. That makes it worse, and so I bite deep into my arm again.

When Moonbin and Minhyuk find me with my arm in my mouth at nearly sunrise, they stop in surprise. They're vampires too, and though they're nowhere near as old as I am, they know me. We were nearly friends before they learned what I was like. They smell the human blood and Minhyuk sighs. The roset and brunet crouch down in front of me, and it's Minhyuk that speaks.

"What are you still doing here? The human is long gone, Myungjun. The sun is coming up." Moonbin pulls my arm out of my mouth.

"I know." They exchange an alarmed look.

"Why are you still here," Moonbin tries.

"I bit my only friend. I broke his jaw. I was doing so good, and then he sneezed and his nose started bleeding again and no one could stop me." I take a shuddering breath. The vampire community won't care that I'm dead despite my being one of the oldest vampires left in existence. No one ever cared about me except Sanha, and I just ruined that. "The world doesn't need me."

"Myungjun, you can't just-"

"Yes, I can. No one likes me. I've been alone for more than two thousand years. I- do you have any paper?" Minhyuk nods and sighs, and he pulls a notepad from his pocket and hands it to me. I rip a page off and ignore the pen he tries to give me. Instead, I drag my finger through the blood on my arm and use it as ink. My will is simple. "Give everything to Yoon Sanha. Tell him I'm sorry." I sign it and force it into Minhyuk's hands. He reads it and looks at me with big eyes.

"Myungjun, you're one of the oldest vampires in the world," he whispers. I scoff.

"That doesn't mean anything. No one has ever needed or wanted me around. Don't try to convince me otherwise right now when this is the first time either of you have talked to me in somewhere around six hundred years."

"What are we supposed to tell him," Moonbin asks me.

"Explain my life to him if you want. Tell all about how much of a failure I am," I mutter. "Tell him that I want him to follow his dreams. Tell him that I want him to do whatever he wants to with my money and my stuff. He can have everything I own. He deserves more for what I did to him."

They only leave when the sun is getting too close to the horizon. I silently thank them for their efforts to convince me otherwise, and I apologize again to Sanha. I can almost pretend that I don't feel the sun burning up my skin. I always did have sensitive skin.


	5. Chapter 5

When Sanha wakes up in the hospital, his jaw is wired shut. Jinwoo and Dongmin are asleep in chairs to his right, and the nurse opens to the door to let in two men that he's never seen. The clock shows that it's almost midnight, and the two men look very sad. They stand next to the bed Sanha lays in and stay silent for a long time.

"They told us you wouldn't be able to talk for a while longer. We just… came to tell you that- well." The man with pink hair crouches down and gently grabs Sanha's hand. The last person who held that hand was Myungjun. "Myungjun… wanted us to tell you that he's sorry, and that he wants you to follow your dreams. He's-" The man cuts off when tears obscure his vision.

"Myungjun wrote in his will that he wanted you to have everything," the other man says. It takes a few seconds for the words to process, but when they do he lets out a long, broken whine. Dongmin startles awake, and he shakes Jinwoo awake when he sees the strange men.

"W-what's going on," Jinwoo asks sleepily. He sees Sanha crying and realizes that something terrible must have happened.

"Myungjun didn't go home," the brunet says quietly. Jinwoo covers his mouth and begins to sniffle. The two men promise to come back and sort everything out once Sanha has healed and then leave.

* * *

  
It takes more time than Myungjun ever thought it would for Sanha to forget him. When Sanha is accepted into a famous performing arts academy, he cries for hours thinking of Myungjun. He wears a bracelet that has the initials of the vampire's name on it everywhere he goes, even to the audition that gets him into a company. He wears the bracelet to his debut performance, and cries so much when he wins during his second comeback that he can't stand. The name Myungjun is vaguely familiar to everyone, and fans wonder why their idol is thanking a missing man for all he's done for Sanha.

Even when Sanha celebrates the five year anniversary of his debut at 31, sitting with Jinwoo, Minhyuk, Dongmin, and Moonbin, he cries because of the sixth chair he always leaves empty. Sanha thinks a lot about how Myungjun must have given Sanha good luck, because most idols debut at a much younger age than he did. Minhyuk and Moonbin have told him about how Myungjun was shunned and excluded from most of the vampiric society because he struggled so much to control himself, and that they could tell even from their brief conversation with him how much he'd appreciated Sanha's friendship.

The fact is that Myungjun put too much importance on not harming Sanha. If he'd waited another week or so, if he'd visited Sanha in the hospital, he'd have known that Sanha didn't care much and had forgiven him near the moment he'd first woken up. Sanha had already seen how far Myungjun had gone to try and protect Sanha.

Myungjun underestimated how much he meant to Sanha, because even when Sanha was lying in the hospital he was thinking of his old friend. He was an old man ready to die, and his last wish was to meet Myungjun again in whatever afterlife he went to.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twt [@sunwooseok_](https://twitter.com/sunwooseok_?s=09)


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